A clinical supervisor from one of my placements once jokingly described me as a Yes Girl. I wasn’t offended at all, because I agreed I one hundred percent was.
Can I take on this client? Yes!
How about four more really varied, complex clients? Yes!
Can I translate for another person’s client, too? You bet.
And why not tackle a side project while I’m at it? I am DOWN.
I honestly didn’t mind doing all those things, because I love a challenge. I love learning, meeting new people, taking on new “problems”, jumping into new experiences. And, I’m an eternal optimist. Sometimes though, all that “YES”-ing gets the best of me. During the last week of the placement I remember crying in front of that same supervisor, confessing how overwhelmed I’d been feeling about my caseload this whole time. I was especially upset because I felt like I wasn’t living up to my own expectations of how much I could accomplish with what I took on. She was very concerned – up until then, I’d been coming into work so chill and composed and looking like a champ (presumably, although I felt mediocre on the inside). She had no idea how much it had been stressing me out.
“Why didn’t you tell me? We could have talked it out. I could have stepped in and helped you or taken some things off your plate.”
“Because I honestly was enjoying everything I was doing, I wanted the challenge, and I asked for it. I felt like I could handle it at the time, but clearly…” *gestures to sobbing face*
This is a persistent theme in my life. I get caught up thinking about all the possibilities I’m presented with, I say “yes” to too many things or to things I think I want because of the potential I believe it to have, and then it doesn’t live up to my great expectations or I realize I can’t handle the responsibility, and then… I cry. And then the cycle starts all over again. I know Shonda Rhimes advocates for a Year of Yes, but in an attempt to alleviate my self-induced stress I have committed to spending my 2019 saying NO loud and often.
“NO” is a strong statement. I think I’ve been afraid to use it until now because it holds such definitiveness. It feels final. Saying no to something and then recanting what you’ve said is uncomfortable. It’s like lying to yourself. Like, if I were to say no when I’m offered pizza because I’d decided to cut it out of my diet, and then I say yes to it two minutes later… I’d feel like I’d compromised on myself. What about my reasons for giving up pizza in the first place?? If they mattered to me when I made the decision to give the ‘za up, then in that one instance of saying yes to a slice I’ve basically said that my previous reasons were weak, that they’re not valid, and that it’s no longer my priority.
I think about the people who have given me a weak yes, how obvious it was when they did, and how I felt like a runner-up receiving a consolation prize. And then I think about how many people I’ve given a yes that I didn’t really mean, and I wonder how I made them feel. I’ve realized that when people don’t give you a strong yes, they’re not giving you the best of themselves. I’m an all or nothing person, so now when I think about giving that weak yes and how it leads me to not putting out the best version of myself, it turns me off from doing it.
When I say “no” to things I really don’t want, I feel empowered. No thanks, I don’t want to go out tonight, I’d rather be in bed. No, I don’t want to hear your schpiel, I’m not interested. No, I don’t want to take on that project, it sounds boring. (I don’t always respond so bluntly, but it’s refreshing to do once in a while).
What’s tough is saying no to things you kind of want, or can see potential in. Those are the times when I fall or feel really weak and have to remind myself what I value most.
A more serious example than the pizza one, to drive the point home: I have what I thought was a fairly strong “NO” for one-night stands, for being someone’s FWB, or for having meaningless hook-ups. I don’t judge anyone who engages in them, but personally I don’t want the responsibility that goes along with it. Like yeah, sex is great and all, but when I think about all the things you implicitly say “YES” to when you have sex with someone – the possibility of getting STDs, having to go on birth control if you’re not ready for the responsibility of being a parent, accepting the possibility that shit can still happen outside of our control and you might still get pregnant, getting emotionally attached to your partner because #biology – those are all big commitments that are not fun to take on by yourself. And if your partner doesn’t give you the sense that they’re willing to share those commitments with you, then I don’t see the point. Because…
- STDs suck.
- Birth control can get expensive as fuck, hell it’s an investment because of all the changes it causes your body;
- Babies are even more expensive and life-changing, +++ if you end up raising it alone;
- Considering an abortion seems physically & emotionally taxing, especially without the support of a partner who cares about you; and
- The stability of my emotional well-being is worth more than a good fuck.
This is all good and fine and easy to remember when you’re not presented with the desire. It is 100 TIMES harder, I have found, when faced with someone you really do like. Saying “NO” was hard and painful (pun not intended, yet well-placed). There were countless times when I wanted to go back on what I said, phone him up and be like, “Remember what I said about not having sex unless there’s commitment? Forget it, come over, let’s just DO IT.” But I didn’t. Because as much as I wanted to be with him, I didn’t feel secure in how he felt about me. I didn’t feel certain that he would stay. There is a small part of me that regrets not giving in to the moment (because I’m human, and we all have needs), however a much greater part of me is relieved I didn’t abandon my values. I’d like to think that I’ll be all the better for sticking by them.
The art of saying no truly never gets easier, you just get stronger and better at it. “NO” clarifies what your priorities and values are. “NO” means closing doors. And you have to close them. Because if you continue to say “yes” to anything and everything just because it seems like a good idea in the moment, you’ll just cause yourself undue stress. You’d be saying “no” to receiving the best outcome for you in the long run. As John C. Maxwell said, “Learn to say ‘no’ to the good, so you can say ‘yes’ to the best.”
Lives for Mondays. 