I’m not someone who easily lets anything go. Maybe because I have the memory of an elephant. I remember too many details and feelings from moments that should otherwise be irrelevant, but add to how I relive them later on. I’ll remember long stretches of moments, full details and tangents of conversations, the exact song that was playing in the background, what I was thinking or feeling at the time, what I was looking at while I was listening to a conversation, what everyone was wearing (and what I thought about each outfit)… It’s a blessing for when I think back on happy memories I’ve made. It’s a curse when I remember they can’t be recreated.
I have difficulty returning to a neutral state after experiencing great joy or pain. My default response is to chase after one extreme or the other, all or nothing. I go into a period of resisting feelings of negativity by seeking out anything that’ll bring temporary joy — chop my hair off, reinvent myself, change my style, get new things that “spark joy”, fill up my schedule, start new hobbies & projects all at once, surround myself with different people every day — and it works, at least for a little while. Eventually I realize I can’t keep it up and I shut all the way down. I start avoiding everyone, skip out on doing things I enjoy, stay in bed doing nothing, and dive into the sadness because it’s familiar. And I’m left feeling soul-tired.
Sooo, that’s maybe not healthy, but it’s a coping mechanism I’m used to. And it definitely makes moving on from setbacks a hell of a lot harder.
After weeks of skipping workouts, I finally convinced myself to crawl out from under my covers and get back to doing yoga this weekend. I’d forgotten how much peace it brings me now when I practice. I still have nagging thoughts whispering in my ear during my flow, but they’re quieter than when I’m in eternal solo savasana in my room. While we were hanging out in forward fold today, my instructor talked about the idea of surrendering into the pose, letting all the tension in your muscles go, letting gravity take over. Surrendering control.
Surrender. That resonated with me, fam. I was shook. I have been feeling like a prisoner of my memories and disappointments, and that is the exact word I needed to hear to set myself free. Surrendering means so much more than just accepting what is or letting go of what’s no longer available to you. It means ceasing resistance, allowing yourself to feel whatever you’re feeling in that moment without “should”-ing yourself (“I should be over this, I should know better, I should do something…” etc). Surrendering means relinquishing your perceived control by submitting your hopes and fears to a higher authority.
Because music is my favourite way of expressing emotions I can’t capture using words alone, I made this playlist as reminder to lean into the surrender. This is for me, and this is for you.
Rumi always seems to have a say in the exact lesson I’m learning, so here’s a quote for this one:
“Try not to resist the changes that come your way. Instead let life live through you. And do not worry that your life is turning upside down. How do you know that the side you are used to is better than the one to come?”
– Rumi
Lives for Mondays. 